I don’t even know where to begin. I have so much to share, so many stories,
perceptions, and interpretations I need to convey and they’re just pin-balling
around in my brain so quickly I can’t hang on to one concept for long enough to
compose anything worth reading. I’m
stuck in the mud.
And that right there is the problem. I’m
already judging it before it’s even formed into a remotely recognizable shape in
my brain; the stories can’t form themselves because I already assume they’re
not worthy of form in the first place.
We all know writing can be hard, but it’s the vulnerability
that is extremely hard. I’m friends with
some extremely intelligent people. Not
only am I afraid of judgment from others about the contents of the writing,
which is raw and exposing, but also about the actual quality of the writing itself.
Nothing I’ve said so far is news to anyone who’s written
anything or thought about writing something.
However, no one really talks much about the process of finding a way to
do it anyway. I’m not talking the generic
sort of, “I was scared but I did it anyway” bullshit. Yeah, I get that. I do that all the time. I share stories that let people momentarily peek
into the horror of my mental illness. I VOLUNTARILY
share this, people. Do you think it’s
easy? The self-criticism I experience is
stifling (see first paragraph above). Do
you think I don’t feel terrified every time I click “post”? Generic encouragement now makes my eyes roll. What I’m interested in, what truly encourages
me, are the stories and detailed descriptions of the self-doubt sludge that
slides through you as you attempt to do anything important or anything that
makes you vulnerable. Rarely do I hear about
these inner most judgmental voices from others, rarely do I get to discuss the
exact form of terror they experience as they take a chance. I want people to describe the sticky goo of fear
and judgment that tries to squish them into the perceived safety of the status
quo. Sure, most people will admit to
having self-doubt and judgment, but what does that look like for each
individual? You’ve heard the saying, “if
it was easy, everyone would do it,” yet the things that make it so hard and so
interesting are the things we don’t discuss.
I want to hear people’s own unique experiences when it comes to actually
putting something out into the world.
I’m guessing that if you’re reading this now, you experience
times when you’re frozen because your rain boots are stuck in the thick mud of
self-judgment. I want to hear that
shit. I want to pull myself up so I’m
standing next to you, face and hands covered in that mud. I want to laugh at ourselves and at the
ridiculousness of our own judgments which we take so seriously. I know people don’t like to feel vulnerable,
but every time you are you’ll find a large group of people nearby thinking, “oh
thank you. I feel the same. I thought I was the only one.” Moreover, that’s the really good stuff! That’s the stuff that makes you interesting, that
gives others an incredible amount of insight into who you are, and also gives
you the opportunity to feel less alone in the world. Let’s encourage each other to be interesting,
productive, creative, kind, people by sharing this stuff with each other; whether
you share it teary-eyed over whiskey or through a self-deprecating humorous
anecdote, just share your story.
As for my writing, maybe I need to accept that I’m stuck in
the mud for now and remind myself that I always find my way out
eventually. Besides, in the words of Thich
Nhat Hanh, “There can be no lotus flower without the mud.”
